Advice Relationships

Why Men & Women do not understand each other & how to fix it

  • June 27, 2016

It’s all too common that some conversations are avoided in relationships, mostly because they have the potential for confrontation. Understand, that while you are in your relationship, there are going to be “awkward” talks that need to happen.

Ahh that wonderful word… communication… It’s a word that haunts men’s nightmares constantly.

The major fracture between men and women’s viewpoints is this: When a man meets a woman, we fall for what we see in the present… For what she represents at that exact moment in time. We see the qualities that she has “now”.
When a woman meets a man, they fall for their potential… what they could be and or develop into AS WELL as what they might be at that moment in time).

 

NOW HEREIN LIES THE CONFLICT:

HER complaint is: “he won’t ever change! He’s the exact same guy as when I met him. He had all these dreams and potential, but didn’t do anything about it. HE STAYED THE SAME.”

 

HIS complaint is the exact opposite: “She’s totally changed. She used to be fun, she used to want to go out and do cool stuff, but now all she keeps buggin’ me about is what we are going to do next in our relationship. The next step etc. What’s wrong with where we are?”

 

So when it comes time to actually “communicate”, it’s riddled with irritation and impatience. This isn’t really surprising considering both bought into totally different ideas.

One person is waiting for the other one to have a viable explanation as to why they are not having a resolution.

 

So when it comes time to actually communicate, its riddled with irritation and impatience. And that shouldn’t be surprising. One person is waiting for the other one to have a viable explanation as to why they are not having a resolution.

 

THE SCIENCE BEHIND WHY MEN AND WOMEN COMMUNICATE DIFFERENTLY

There’s a reason why “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” spent 121 weeks on the bestseller list – Men and Women are not the same creatures. Our physical composition, internal organs, and the way we process information is different than the opposite sex, so therefore there are also differences between the Male and Female brain, how we think, and how we communicate.

 

Scientists have discovered around 100 gender differences in the brain. We are not about to get neck-deep in each and every one, but rather summaries the topic.

 

WOMEN:
  • Larger hippocampus aka memory centers = They retain sensorial information better than men.
  • They have verbal centers on both sides of the brain = Higher usage of words while communicating.
  • The Female uses 10 times more white matter aka the networking grid that connects the grey matter with other processing centers of the brain = Women pay attention to several details at once and are often great multi-taskers.
  • The female brain has a higher level of blood flow in the cingulate gyrus (the concentration part of the brain) = Females will tend to reexamine emotional memories and linger on them.
  • Processing more Oxytocin – The bonding-relationship chemical.

 

MEN:
  • Verbal centers only on the left hemisphere = Less connectivity between their word center, feelings, and even memories.
  • The Male brain uses 7 times more gray matter aka info and action processing centers = Men tend to have ‘tunnel vision’ as he is focused on a specific activity.
  • The Male brain does not experience the same blood flow as women do = Men reflect and analyze on an emotive memory more briefly, then move on to something unrelated sometimes without addressing their feelings at all.
  • Processing more Testosterone – The Sex, Aggression chemicals so they tend to be more physically impulsive and aggressive.

 

So now begs the question…

HOW DO WE COME TO A RESOLUTION?

In  most cases, unfortunately, it’s up to us men. We need to resolve the situation and that doesn’t mean get pissed until she “shuts the hell up” and/or then gets angry herself, yells, walks away only to apologize later. Anger and volume do not improve your argument. It’s a vicious cycle and it just doesn’t work.

 

What does need to happen is this little function called “listening”, and it’s pretty amazing when you do it. See what happens is, YOU HEAR WHAT SHE IS SAYING… I know! Go figure, right? But it’s the truth! Now, don’t by any means get listening and saying “she’s right” all the time confused! Many times, each party is just waiting for the other to stop talking long enough for them to continue their original point.

 

So you want to preserve your sanity in your relationship? LISTEN TO HER! Hear what she has to say. Follow a negative with a positive. Offer constructive options as resolutions. Have a real opinion, but express it with sensitivity.

 

This won’t fix everything, but at least it’s a step in the right direction to building rapport with each other while under stress.